I’m Addicted to Frozen Food
If you ever read my Joey Diaz blog, then you probably realized I have some kind of addictive personality disorder that causes me to become addicted to weird habits, which sometimes pertains to food. But after you really get to know me, you quickly find out that I’m just a fat fuck that can never stop eating. So after I find a new delicious taste, I live off of it for awhile.
For about the first 18-years of my life, I was in love with fast food. McDonald’s was my wife, Wendy’s was my mistress, and Burger King was that nasty thot that I’d call over late at night for some real freaky drunk sex. And although BK may have been the neighborhood hoe, I still had my fair share of loving and intimate moments with her fine ass.
But remember, the lights were off and I was drunk. So it could’ve actually been a dude the whole time and I never would’ve known. Oh well.
After I got out of my fast food phase, I moved on to the wings and beer phase. From 2016-2018, it was common to find me at a Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooters, Applebee’s, or TGI Friday’s. I would go spend $30+ a night on a countless number of buffalo wings paired alongside that restaurant’s beer of the month. Or for Buffalo Wild Wing’s case, their $5 pitchers, which I believe may be one of the most important innovations for all of mankind. You could catch me there for Monday Night Football, Tuesday night Maction, Wednesday night NBA, Thursday night NFL and the random college game on, Friday night NBA/pregame for going out, Saturday night college football/basketball, and then Sunday Night Football.
I created some of the best memories at the bartops of those restaurants with some great friends of mine, but one day I woke up and I had lost the love I used to have for the game. I had lost passion for the wings and the beer. It just wasn’t the same. But I was afraid that if I left the game, would the fans still love me?
But then I quickly decided that the fans could go fuck themselves, and I was going to start living for myself. I was done doing shit for other people if it meant I wasn’t happy. So I quickly went into retirement Mike Tyson style.
2019, new year new me, and it was time for a new food addiction. Usually when you go looking for trouble, you find it. And boy oh boy, have I found it.
One night I was strolling the frozen food section at Wal-Mart (looking for some ice cream), and out of curiosity I began to peak at some of their frozen food options. I couldn’t believe some of the options they had, and the bargain that I was getting on the price made me feel as if I was a young lad discovering love for the first time.
$1 box of mozzarella sticks?
A bag of boneless wings for only $6.95?
A beautifully built breakfast bowl for just $1.89?
I was dumbfounded. Astonished. Ostracized. Distracted? Yes. From the rest of the world, because I had found my personal paradise.
With my frozen food, I’m not only able to eat for cheap, but also efficiently. It doesn’t take too long to prepare these little heavenly boxes of food, so my fat happy ass can continue to eat and eat without any pause of action.
But like I said, I’ve became addicted. And although it may seem as if I am advocating for you try to this frozen lifestyle, I am actually begging you to resist it.
As a society, we are just finding out about the effects of frozen food on the human brain. We don’t know much, but we know it is some pretty powerful shit. Frozen food has hijacked the pleasure centers in my brain. I choose frozen food over other food options and water. I choose frozen food over sleep, over sex, and over life itself.
I slowly feel my life falling apart, and I fear that any day now I may wake up and be close to 600 pounds.
So if this blog post can’t at least help me get on this show
then maybe I’ll at least have a shot on this one.