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A Moment of Desperation and What to Do

Buffalo wings always do it to me. But I refuse to ever stop.

I always like to get one of the spiciest flavors available, but not the absolute spiciest because that shit fucking HURTS. Literally, too. The buffalo sauce absolutely tears my insides up, and by 10:30 that night I have a severe case of lava ass, so sever that I begin to question if this life is even worth it.

I’m not going to go into detail, because that’s just too sick and even I’m not gross enough to talk about. But when it was over, I was relieved. I reached for the good ole reliable T.P., but all I found was an empty roll. I leaned over just a smidge to open the bathroom closet door, and nothing. Not a single sheet of white laying anywhere near me.

Luckily, I was at home so I was able to jump in the shower (a classic trick), but then I started wondering just how shitty the entire situation would have been had I not been home, and if I had been in a random bathroom at a rest stop all by myself in the middle of December on the way to Pigeon Forge, TN for a quick family trip. During the shower, I formed a few answers of what I would do in that situation to help us all out if that dreadful day ever comes.

SOCKS

You might only need to use one of your socks to clean up the mess, but you also have to get rid of the other sock that you don’t use just to help save your image. A little. Don’t be the dude walking around with only one sock on. So just go ahead and use both to help clean up the mess.

UNDERWEAR

Not wearing socks that day? Maybe you’ve already had to use them somewhere else already. Take your drawers off and get to wiping. Plus now you have an excuse to go commando in those grey sweatpants and you won’t get looked at like a freak when you go back out into public.

LITERALLY ANY PIECE OF CLOTHING

just do it if you have to.

NEIGHBOR

I’m not talking about an actual neighbor. I’m talking about a stall neighbor. Try to get their attention and ask politely if you may borrow some of the toilet paper from their stall.

YOUR HAND

I highly advise against this one, but if you’ve ran out of clothes and your neighbor is a huge dickhead or even non-existent, then hopefully a sink and millions of pounds of soap aren’t too far away.

 

I know a lot of us plan on traveling a decent amount this time of the year because of the holidays, so hopefully this blog will help you all out in your travels if you ever get caught in a shitty situation. And if you ever have to do any of these tricks, then give a thanks to your good pal Aaron.

 

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