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Joey Diaz Changed My Life for Forever

One of my best friends, Cleve, showed me this video of Joey Diaz on Joe Rogan’s podcast from forever ago. An obviously hilarious clip, but at the same time I was left laughing through the pain, because I had a very dark secret of my own.

I was a ranchosexual.

I secretly ate ranch on almost everything in my alone time. In public, I stayed in the closet with my ranch use. Sometimes I would mix ranch with ketchup on burgers or other sandwiches, since the ranch couldn’t be noticed. But other than that, I stayed clear of any use of the dressing while I was in public view. In my alone time, though… completely different stories.

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I mean these would just drive me wild. Look at them cakes, or those balls of meat, or even that wiener between those buns covered in that delicious white sauce. I would do unspeakable things to obtain ranch dressing on my food because it would pleasure me like no other. I stole from family and friends to help feed my addiction. At times, I even considered rehab to maybe cure me of my craving. But I didn’t need rehab. I needed my friend, Cleve.

Cleve came along and basically saved my life with this video. We were actually about to go to Buffalo Wild Wings (a place you can often find me at)

and he convinced me to get blue cheese with my wings, since we both enjoyed this clip so much. So I did it. I did it to satisfy my friend’s wants, but I also did it to avoid being outed as a ranchosexual (I felt that there had been some suspicion about me for awhile). I was hesitant to put the spicy garlic traditional wing covered in blue cheese in my mouth at first, until I finally just went for it. And the second that it hit my taste bugs, I knew I had found something magical. For all you folks out there, let me think of the best way to describe the feeling and the taste without being too vulgar.

It was like God had finished in my mouth.

And the second that I tasted that amazing wing, I knew my days as a rancho was over. I had found a new passion. A new desire. A new reason to live. And it’s all thanks to my good friend Cleve, and this Joey Diaz clip.

p.s. wings with blue cheese is highly addictive. Since the Army vs Navy game on December 8th, I’ve eaten wings with blue cheese 7 days. That leaves me with only two days without it. I naturally have an addictive personality, but I don’t think I can ever turn my life around from this.

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