NFL Week 1 Recap

NFL Week 1 was absolutely amazing. We got to see a tie, we got to see the Bengals win (if none of you all noticed yet, I’m a Cincinnati fan. How have you not realized this?), we got to see one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time make a 4th quarter comeback after an “injury”, we got to see a rookie QB help lead his team to a blowout victory on MNF, and we got a preview of how bad the Gruden era (pt. 2) will be for the Raiders. Let’s take some time out to look at some of the more important games from Week 1, and let’s get ready for Week 2.

Eagles 18 Falcons 12

The first game of the NFL season featured the reigning Super Bowl Champs taking on the team they knocked off last year in the divisional round, and it looked like it was basically the same exact game. Matt Ryan didn’t look that great for Atlanta, throwing for 251 yards and an interception. Julio Jones, of course, did crazy Julio things by racking up 169 yards on 10 catches. The biggest story for the Falcons though is that they don’t know how to score in the red zone. If I’m Atlanta, I’m practicing some kind of goal line offense all week (throwing it to Julio on literally any route that isn’t a fade. Got to figure something out). It’s hard to say too much about Philadelphia right now, considering the fact that Wentz and Alshon Jeffery are both not back from injury yet. All the Philadelphia fans just need to hope and pray that their defense can put on this kind of performance every week while Nick Foles does JUST enough to get by with their offense. I think they’ll be alright. Oh, and the highlight of the game? The Nick Foles catch, of course (on the same play that Brady fucked up against Philly in the Super Bowl).

Steelers 21 Browns 21

Well, I guess the Browns have improved a little bit this off-season. Or maybe the Steelers have gotten worse. I’m going to say a little bit of both. The overrated Big Ben came out and had FIVE turnovers, but Cleveland couldn’t take advantage of Ben’s sloppy play and were only able to score once off of all of the turnovers. Why’s that? Well, it probably has something to do with the awful play from Tyrod Taylor. Tyrod was 15 for 40 through the air, and it’s extremely hard to score in the NFL when your QB completes only 37.5% of his passes. Taylor was effective on the ground, picking up 77 yards and a touchdown on 8 carries.

I don’t have too much left to say about Big Ben’s sloppy performance for Pittsburgh. Just want to share this hilarious video. It pretty much explains how his entire day went.

The big story surrounding the Steelers this off-season and Week 1 has been the absence of running back Le’Veon Bell, who’s holding out for a long-term contract. Well Le’Veon, you should probably show up and play, because if James Conner has another performance like he did this past week then you’ll probably be out of a job. Conner (by the way, this guy beat cancer when he was in college. So yeah, he’s a pretty tough dude) rushed for 135 yards and two touchdowns. Conner also had 57 receiving yards on 5 receptions. This guy would be one of my favorite players in the league if he didn’t play for the god-awful Pittsburgh Steelers. And, well, if he didn’t have this haircut.

james conner haircut.jpg

Bengals 34 Colts 23

Andrew Luck actually looked pretty solid in his first game back after missing an entire season due to injury. Luck attempted 53 passes and completed 39 of them for 319 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 1 interception (which came on his first attempt). It’s ok though, Andrew. Andy threw a pick on his first pass attempt of the season too.

The big story though is the Bengals scoring 17 points in the 4th quarter to secure the victory. Go ahead and get the Joe Mixon MVP Award ready (17 carries, 95 yards, 1 touchdown, 5 receptions, 54 receiving yards). Good 1-0 start. Just 15 more and we’ll get the 16-0 record that I predicted.

Dolphins 27 Titans 20

This was the longest game in NFL history due to weather delays. Just throwing that out there. In Ryan Tannehill’s return, the Miami Dolphins were able to ruin the debut for Titans’ new head coach Mike Vrabel. Tannehill looked solid all day, and his connection with Kenny Stills could be a dangerous one for the rest of the season. Tennessee had to rely on Dion Lewis for most of the offense, because Derrick Henry couldn’t get anything going on the ground all day. The biggest concern for the Titans would definitely have to be that their Quarterbacks absolutely suck. Mariota is trash, and has been for quite awhile. Mariota exited the game due to an elbow injury, so Tennessee turned to Blaine Gabbert. You can imagine how that turned out for them. Another concern for Tennessee has to be the injury to Delanie Walker. Walker was one of the best tight ends in the league, and it’ll be hard to replace him.

Those uniforms are hideous.

Vikings 24 49ers 16

49ers fans better hope that this was just a fluke bad performance for Jimmy G, or else they’ll be feeling pretty stupid after giving him one of the biggest contracts in NFL history. Jimmy G went 15 for 33 with 261 yards and 1 touchdown. Oh, and 3 interceptions. Not good, not good at all. The Kirk Cousins era in Minnesota got off to a solid start, as Cousins threw touchdowns to Stefon Diggs and Kyle Rudolph. The biggest story is Mike Zimmer’s defense. If the Vikings can shut down teams like this all season, then they just might be able to make the Super Bowl like many are predicting them to do.

Patriots 27 Texans 20

Brady to Gronk. Yeah, same shit new year.

Deshaun Watson had some shaky moments in his first game back from his 2017 ACL Tear, but Foxborough is always a difficult place to play. Watson completed 50% of his passes for a touchdown and an interception, but the most important thing is that he picked up 40 yards on the ground on 8 carries, which shows that his knee isn’t bothering him too much. Anxious to see how he performs at Tennessee next week. Hopefully he can put on a solid performance, for the sake of my fantasy team.

Buccaneers 48 Saints 40

If I told you that the Saints would score 40 on the Tampa Bay, you’d probably reply with something along the lines of “yeah, no shit”. If I would’ve told you that the Ryan Fitzpatrick led Bucs would score 48 and win the game, then you would’ve probably responded with something along of the lines of “go fuck yourself, idiot.” Well, Fitzmagic happened. THE HARVARD GRAD Ryan Fitzpatrick 75% of his passes for 417 yards and 4 touchdowns. He also had 12 carries somehow, and scored a rushing touchdown. The three headed monster of Brees, Kamara, and Michael Thomas showed up and showed out as expected, and the Saints are still going to have a good year and probably win the NFC South. But if you let this goofy motherfucker torch your defense, then you should probably be somewhat concerned.


Jaguars 20 Giants 15

 Jaguars Defense=Still Good. Giants Offensive Line=Still Trash. Saquon Barkley=Might Be The Real Deal After All. Odell Beckham Jr.= Worth The Money. Eli Manning= Eli Manning. The #2 Overall Pick from this past year’s draft had a good showing, carrying the ball 18 times for 106 yards, which included a 68-yard touchdown run where the Giants O-Line blocked literally no one.

And after receiving the largest contract in WR History for the NFL, Odell proved that he is indeed worth the money by hauling in 11 passes for 111 yards. The Jaguars proved that they still have one of the best defenses in the league, but their offense is still holding them back. Will they improve after Fournette gets to 100% healthy? Of course. But with no real threats in the passing game from the quarterback, to the receivers, and to the tight ends, I don’t see this team making the type of run that they were able to put together last year in the playoffs. Well, unless their defense is able to put up the points for them again.

Ravens 47 Bills 3

Nathan Peterman. 5/18. 24 yards. 2 interceptions. Not going to be a good year for Buffalo.


Panthers 16 Cowboys 8

Either both teams have REALLY good defenses, or they both just suck. The Panthers still have no #1 threat at the receiver position, and things have gotten worse now thanks to Greg Olsen’s injury. Honestly, their best hope is to just run read option with Cam and McCaffrey for the rest of the year and hope/pray for the best. If I’m the Cowboys, I just go ahead and cut Dak’s arm off so he can’t even attempt a pass. Just give him a left arm and let him hand it off to Zeke every play. Oh, and maybe fire Jason Garrett too. That might help the team out quite a bit.

Packers 24 Bears 23

Trading for Khalil Mack was the best idea ever. Matt Nagy has really got this offense going. Mitch Trubisky looks like a Pro Bowler. Aaron Rodgers died! He’s out for the whole season after coming back from a broken collarbone. It only took one game for Khalil Mack to kill Aaron Rodgers and win MVP.

Then Aaron Rodgers realized that he wasn’t actually hurt. He just got scared because he was about to get hit, so he dropped real quick and landed weirdly on his knee. Might’ve hurt for a second or two, but you can not tell me that he was injured at all. No this is not me being a hater. This is just me calling bullshit. Whatever, good come back though Aaron. It was impressive because it was a comeback in general, I’m just not buying this whole injury thing. Oh, and if I’m Aaron Rodgers I’m sending a thank you card to Kyle Fuller.

Jets 48 Lions 17

Well… I don’t think anyone saw this coming. Especially after Sam Darnold’s first career pass attempt in the NFL.

Darnold was able to get his shit together, and ended the night throwing for 198 yards and 2 touchdowns. He also got some help on the offensive side of the ball from running back Isaiah Crowell, who tallied 102 yards and 2 touchdowns with 10 carries. Darnold also got some big time help from Lions Quarterback Matthew Stafford, who tossed 4 picks of his own during the Monday night battle. Hell, even Matt Cassel joined the fun and threw an interception. And on that note, here’s a fun fact for you.

When I have kids one day, I hope they can grow up to be backup Quarterbacks in the NFL just like Matt.

Lions fans are starting to realize that their new head coach, Matt Patricia, isn’t that great at all, just like the rest of Belichick’s assistant coaches who have gone on to become head coaches. It’s hard to ride the man’s coattails after you leave him.

Rams 33 Raiders 13

The Raiders only sacked Jared Goff once last night, and they allowed running back Todd Gurley to average over 5 yards per carry. If only they had a guy on defense that could basically stop the rushing attack while getting to the quarterback at the same time.


The start of Gruden’s second stint as Raiders head coach is off to a disastrous start. Quarterback Derek Carr threw 3 interceptions last night, and one of them might’ve been the worst pass attempt in NFL history.

Gruden better hope his squad can figure things out, or he might not make it to the end of his 10-year, $100M contract, and they may just leave him behind in Oakland when it comes time for the team to pick up and move to Vegas in 2020.


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