Real Life Mean Machine: Defense Tryouts (pt. 1)

It seems like almost every other day you see some sort of athlete in the news for being arrested, and a lot of the time they come from the National Football League. Out of curiosity, I did some research (Googled NFL Arrests) and found that 896 arrests were recorded in a database on USA Today. After scrolling through some of the database I thought “wow, some of these guys are pretty talented. Imagine if they had played together.” and then I was inspired to create my Real Life Mean Machine team. The limit that I put on the team is 90 total players, because that’s how many a NFL team can have on the roster after the conclusion of their Mini-Camp. So the following players will be battling it out during the pre-season for a chance to play for the prestigious Mean Machine team. These guys were arrested, charged, cited, detained, indicted, or they surrendered. Some of these situations aren’t that bad at all, some are pretty bad, and some are terrible. USA Today Database

In Part One of the Defense Tryout, we look at the Defensive Line and the Linebackers.

Defensive Line

Marcell Dareus- Dareus has been arrested twice since he’s been in the league, and both instances come in May of 2014. In Dareus’ first arrest, he was pulled over for speeding n Alabama and was accused of felony drug possession. He then followed this up with a reckless driving charge after drag racing his Jaguar and crashing it into a tree. Dareus paid a $300 fine and agreed to host a free high school football clinic.

Nick Fairley- Fairley was arrested twice back in 2012. Fairley was pulled over in 2012 and was charged with marijuana possession, but charges were dropped after he passed a drug test. A month later, Fairley was arrested for DUI after eluding police in Mobile, doing so by driving 100 mph. Fairley was found guilty of reckless driving, acquitted of DUI, and fined $500.

Albert Haynesworth- This guy is a fucking mess. In 2006, Haynesworth surrendered after a warrant was issued for reckless driving after he tried to run a motorcyclist off the road in his truck. The charge was dropped though. Haynesworth was indicted in 2009 though on more reckless driving charges. Haynesworth was indicted for misdemeanor reckless driving after causing a different motorcyclist to crash, and he also had expired tags. Albert was given 3 months of probation and 25 hours of community service. After a third incident with a motorcyclist in 2011, Haynesworth was charged with assault. He was accused of punching motorist in Virginia in traffic altercation after the alleged victim made gesture at Haynesworth for tailgaiting. Charges were dropped after a private settlement was made. And then to top it all of, Haynesworth was indicted in 2011 for fondling the breast of a worker in a Washington restaurant.

Michael Bennett- Bennett was in the news recently after being indicted for injury to an elderly. Bennett was accused of pushing his way past a 66-year-old parapalegic security worker at the Super Bowl in Houston in 2017 when trying to get on the field to celebrate with his brother.

Dante Fowler- Fowler was arrested for battery in summer of 2017. Fowler hit a man who criticized his driving in St. Petersburg. He was handed 75 hours of community service and was on probation for a year. He also had to pay a $925 fine.

Sheldon Richardson- Richardson was arrested in 2015 for resisting arrest. Richardson was accused of resisting arrest after being pulled over for street racing. Richardson was given two years of probation, 100 hours of community service, and he had to pay $1,050 in fines.

Robert Quinn- Quinn was arrested for DUI in 2012. The resolution of his case is undetermined, but it’s nice having this sackmaster on the team.

Jevon Kearse- Kearse was arrested around the Vanderbilt campus at 5 AM for DUI. His charge was reduce to reckless driving and was placed on 6 months of probation.

Jared Allen- Allen was arrested twice in 2006 for DUI. This resulted in him being suspended for 2 games by the NFL.

Bruce Smith- Smith was arrested for DUI at Virginia Beach, but his charge was acquitted since he only had a BAC of .07


Aldon Smith- This is a long one. Gonna try to run through these 6 arrests quick. 2012-DUI in Miami Beach-Diversion Program. 2013-Arrested for DUI and Drug Possession after crashing his track and having marijuana on him. Charged for illegal possession of  three assault weapons. Was placed on three years of probation and had to serve 325 hours of community service. Smith was then arrested in 2014 for disorderly conduct after making a false bomb threat at the LA Airport. This was dropped by persecutors. Arrested again for DUI in 2015, and was then released by the 49ers. Arrested in March of 2018 for domestic violence and then released by the Raiders.

Terrell Suggs- Suggs was charged for assault in 2003 after a fight near Phoenix stadium. Suggs claimed he was hit over the head with an iron rod. Charges were acquitted. He was then arrested again in 2016 for fleeing the scene of a wreck and for driving on a suspended license. These charges were dropped, too.

Von Miller- Miller was arrested in 2013 for an outstanding warrant. Miller had failed to appear in court for previous traffic charges. He was then cited for speeding a month later and had to take a driving class and do 24 hours of community service. Petty shit, but I need this guy on the team.

Shawne Merriman- Merriman was arrested in 2009 for domestic violence after choking his girlfriend, Tila Tequila, in San Diego. Charges were dismissed less than a week later.

James Harrison- Harrison was arrested for domestic violence in 2008 after hitting his girlfriend during an argument about whether to baptize his son. Charges were dropped and he underwent anger counseling.

Ray Lewis- He might’ve killed two people. Maybe he didn’t. Eh, who cares? Lewis was charged with murder after being accused of stabbing two men outside of a nightclub in Atlanta. Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice, and served one year of probation. He was also fined $250,000 by the NFL.





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